Danny Hoch | Works: Floe

BILL

[A straight outta Jersey pseudo-yuppie with a jeep runs up to his friend's apartment with him for a would-be two minutes. Bill talks while his friend struggles with the locks on the door.]

Alright but just for two minutes because my jeep is double-parked downstairs and I don't want to get tickets. Can I tell you what you're problem is? And this is your problem because I know because I'm very good at telling things about people. You, you don't pay attention to things that are going on around you. It's like your in this shell. You're like this turtle, you know, crawling along the grass in your shell and bombs are dropping like five centimeters away from you and you, you're in lala land. You're like, la la. Can I give you an example? Let me give you a perfect example. Did you watch Ted Koppel last week? Ok well if you would've watched, you would've known that there's little nine year olds running around the street with guns, selling crack to babies for sex. You think I'm exaggerating? If you would've watched, you would've known. You also would've known, get this. There's some guy, he killed all these hookers right? You know, prostitutes? Killed them. But this is the thing, there are all these people and they're in this rage that he shouldn't have killed them. Lemme tell you something, if he didn't kill them they would've wound up spreading AIDS to half the people in this country. ...Because this is a very serious issue of our time and it affects us all indirectly.

...Ok, I'll give you a perfect example. Let's say, some guy he makes a mistake. Not me, but some guy. He goes and uses a prostitute right. She gives him AIDS, cause she's got AIDS, she gives it to him, he goes home to his wife, he gives it to her, she has no idea. Are you following the progression of the story? Then they get a divorce, because of course they're gonna get a divorce because why is the guy with the.. Anyway, she's out there, you know on the single scene, whatever you wanna call it. I'm thirty-five years old, I'm a single man. I meet her, she gives me AIDS, I'm dead. You're asking how it affects me? ...Use a condom? I'm thirty-five years old, I think I'm a little old to use a condom, anyway you're missing the whole point of the story. Listen, I thought we're coming up here for two minutes so you could shave, this is turning into a whole ordeal here with getting into your apartment. What's with the five locks on your door, what are we in Harlem? Heh. ...It's a joke, you got five locks on your door, you know, Harlem, it's all these people up there? ...Alright, so it's not funny, so now you're a Black Panther all of the sudden? Jesus, it's a joke. Mr. Medeco here. You make me very uncomfortable sometimes.

[Bill enters apt.] Oh, this is nice. ...I said this is nice, your place. How much do you pay for this? ..Not bad. Who's the guy that owns the building? The same guy that owns the building on the corner? What's his name? ...Mohammed? Is he Moroccan? ...But is he Moroccan? ...Yeah but is he Moroccan though? No, I bet he's Moroccan. Because all the Moroccans, they bought up all the real estate, from the Jews. ..No, yes, trust me. They did a whole in-depth report on MacNeil Lehrer, I saw the whole thing. You didn't know the Jews are going poor? Not just that they had to sell.. Trust me, my friend who's Jewish. He wanted to get for his daughter.. what do you call it when they get their own.. her own phone line. He couldn't get it for her, that's all I'm saying. Anyway that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is that all the Moroccans bought up all the real estate, and all the Baskin-Robbins. And I don't know this just because I watch TV and I'm socially aware, paying attention unlike you-you're in lala land, but I know this from empirical observation. I was in a Baskin-Robbins last month and I'm standing there paying for the cone, and I ask the guy his name. You know I'm always taking advantage of these little small-talk opportunities, you get to know people really well. So the guy says Mohammed. ...The guy's Moroccan, so he's Moroccan, Libyan, Hindu, Iraqui. They're all connected. They're all in the same little terrorist boat there.

Let me ask you something, do you watch Dan Rather? From now on, you have to watch Dan Rather just for educational purposes. Because on Dan Rather, you get the whole complete story. Let me explain something to you. They got this whole Shiite cult, the Buddhists right? And the thing is they name them all Mohammed, so they can't tell the difference between eachother. It's like brainwashing. They're brainwashing them into thinking that they're all this one common organism floating around the earth, and they're gonna take over other organisms, and the other ones are innocent law-abiding countries, like ours. I mean they didn't say that exactly on Dan Rather but you could figure it all out. The Shiites are sort of like the Moonies, it's all interwoven. Anyway that's not the point, the point is just be careful there's not a bomb in your building. You think these guys got real estate on their minds? I'm thinking not. ...Where'd you get this, Ikea? ...This table thing here, I thought it was Ikea. Heh.

Listen, hurry up because if I got tickets on my jeep you're paying for them. Hey you know I'm thirty-five right? Yeah, I turned thirty-five last week. ...Thank you thank you. Anyway, you know I'm old enough to be president right? You know what I'd do if I was president? You know, to solve all the problems, hatred, racism, killing, stuff? Now keep in mind I'm not prejudice or anything, I'd teach everybody how to speak English. Because that's the problem. I mean, if you don't speak English, how are we supposed to communicate for you know, peace? Let me give you a perfect example. The other day I finish work, I'm hungry, I feel like having Chinese food. So I go to the Chinese take-out in my neighborhood, I order what I always order. Four fried chicken wings, it comes with a small roast pork fried rice. So this day, me, I'm feeling hungrier than normal, so I order a large roast pork fried rice instead of a small, you know? I'll pay for it. So I say to the guy, can I have a large instead of a small? So the guy goes yeah, like he understands what I'm saying. Mistake Number One, the guy doesn't know what the hell I'm saying. You wanna hear Mistake Number Two? Me, I'm looking out the window making sure my jeep isn't getting ripped off by you know, crackhead murderers in the street. Meanwhile, I should be watching, who knows what the hell they're putting in my food? Poison, whatever. ...You don't know what they put in, they have their little jars of stuff. So that's not even the thing. This is the thing. The guy goes to put it in the bag with the Duck sauce and everything. Get this, he puts it in the bag behind the counter. So you can't really see what he's putting in the bag, it could be a bomb. ...Ep, you're laughing? You're very unaware.

Can I just tell you, 20/20 did a whole four-part series on bombings and Barbara was explaining that these bombs went off, and nobody would have ever guessed that there was a bomb... Then why do they put it in the bag behind the counter then? They got a whole top of the counter, the top of the counter's clean. Everything is behind the counter, behind the counter. ...They're very sneaky. So the moral of the story is, I take the bag, I drive all the way home, four blocks. Meanwhile, I could blow up on the way home. I sit down, I take off my shoes, I turn on the TV. I wanna relax, you know. I worked hard all day, I don't know about these people. I open the bag, they gave me a small. ...A small roast pork fried rice, are you listening to the story? Alright. So me, I'm angry. I'm flustered. I'm looking into the bag and it's like looking into this tunnel of frustration and anger. So I put it back in the bag, I drive all the way back, four blocks, so now it's eight blocks I've driven for this thing already.

I walk in to the guy, see now the guy's not there anymore. Now it's his sister, or his mother, or his wife, his aunt..they're all in the family there. ...Because I know, because I know. So I say to her, look I ordered a large you gave me a small. So she says, What? Already we're having miscommunication. So I tell her, I-want-a-large. She says, $2.50. I say, no, no, hello, before, earlier.. I'm trying to think of all the possible adjectives, I'm like a thesaurus. You know, prior to the time when I'm standing before you here now, I already, then, ordered a large. You made a mistake. You know, I mean I'm a man, I'm thirty-five years old, I'm not a kid. I want service, you know? So she's going, dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut dut. Like I'm supposed to understand what she's saying? She's supposed to understand me, thank you! So then she turns to her brother or her husband or her uncle... Because just trust me, they are, I know the people in my neighborhood. And she's saying something to him very fast. So I'm trying to listen to what she's saying, she's telling him to blow me up for all I know. So then cause I'm listening, cause I'm a listener, I hear her say this thing and I recorded it in my brain and I want to do it for you so shut off the water. She says, something something, and then she says.."beaow". What does mean? That's not a normal sound. ...Because I went to college I have a Master's Degree in business thank you, I think I know a little something about languages if you give me the benefit of the doubt.

Look, the point of the story is this, these people have got to go through some sort of assimilation program before they come to this country so they can, a) learn how to speak English, and b) learn how to function like normal human beings, like us. ...Because how are you gonna run a business and not speak English? Look at the guy who owns the Seven-Elevens, he's from India, he learned how to speak it. Look at the American Indians, they learned to speak it when they came over here. But see these people, they come from out of nowhere, and in twenty-four hours they get a license to open a restaurant. That’s like giving a woman, a license.. to fix trucks. I mean not that I’m saying women can’t fix trucks, it’s just.. I don't really know what I'm saying actually. The bottom line is this, if you took all these people, from the cleaning people, the nannies, and the maintenance people, the housekeepers, and the kitchens, the guys that work at the place where I get my jeep washed. If you took all of them and you sent them back to all of their little terrorist countries, we wouldn't have all this suffering here and just, things wouldn't be as hard.

...Trust me, I'll get somebody to wash it, there'll be somebody. Oh, you have a cat. I didn't see before. It must have just come out from wherever it was. That's funny how all of the sudden they just decide to run out of nowhere. You don't seem like the cat-type. You know it's my favorite animal? Is it a Persian? ..I bet it's name is Mohammed. ..Hi kitty cat. Hiya ya big cutie. Ooh too too. What are you looking at? What are you doing? Where are you going? Ooh too too. Moo moo mama. Come here cutie. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. ...Oh I got you. Oh. I. Got. You. Oh you're so heavy you little small kitty cat. Let's go look in the mirror. Oh, look in that mirror. Look. In. That. Mirror. Who's that guy behind you? I don't know. Some guy. Gimme that paw. Gimme that paw. Lemme see that paw. How you doing? I'm ok. Hah. Oh ribbit ribbit. Moo. Gobble gobble. Meow...Ep. Look at all this shit I got all over me now. Listen, I'm going downstairs. I got a hundred and fifty tickets on my jeep already, or they towed it. ...Trust me they're giving out tickets. I just read, they hired all these whatever metermaids, all they do is hand out tickets all day. Because I read it. What do you think they write it for nothing? These guys they got this whole thing connected to those hate groups that were on Sixty Minutes. What they do these guys, they see my jeep, they see the Jersey plate, automatically they assume that I'm white. I mean I am, but that's not the point. The point is that they think that Jersey's all white people. Let me tell you it's not. You come to my neighborhood, I gotta get five locks on my door. Listen I'll see ya downstairs. [Bill exits.]